Vent Your Little Heart Out!!!

Oh, and do you know what else?

I fucking quit.
Everything.
Ever.
:headdesk:

AHHHH!!!!!

I still want to run around screaming, pulling my hair out, hopefully run into a wall or pole or something hard, and hopefully not waking up again... seriously!!!

Things are still weird with andy, and of all things he buys me a present to try and show that he still loves me and doesnt want me to leave! And of all things he buys me a ring! Granted it's really pretty and I love it and stuff, but at this point in time its like why the fuck would you fucking do that of all things, of all the presents in the world thats the one I get as of right now, in this whole situation. and I don't know what to think of it. And then I go over today, and there was nothign wrong nothing at all... Its been a long time since then, and I dont know how to act anymore, Its been a long time since he just wanted to hold me, or watch TV, or wrestle.. and just that... and not try to encourage other stuff...

And even better because of said situation with Andy, I have somehow managed to drag three other people into this, and yes, I really do appreciate that you guys care and are willing to listen, but now its starting to get to far, Im hurting you guys and I know it, and I am sick of people being hurt, and me feeling like Im the one who caused it. I hate it, it tears me up inside and makes me want to cry all the time, and I can't make myself go numb all the time anymore, and I just dont know what to do, I don't want to feel hopeless, I dont want to cry anymore, Im sick of it all, Im being really unfair for letting you guys get so deep into my problems, you all have your own lives to live, and its not fair for me to ask for so much of your time, or for you guys to give so much of your time... It makes no sense to me as to why you guys care so much, and act the way you guys do. It just makes no sense to me, and I can't figure it out!!!

Xander: It been a long long long long LONG time, since you have asked me a question with real concern, or came to me to talk about my problems, and Im sorry you got pulled in

Marshall: I dont know what to say, I enjoy talking to you and such, but it's just not fair to talk to you about the stuff I do, and make you think thoughts against someone that you've known for a long time. and I don't want to be the cause for your problems and such. I dont want to hurt you at all

and finally Ben: You got drug in the deepest and Im really truely sorry for it. I'm sorry that you've seen me cry several times over the whole matter and you not knowing what was going on or what to do, Im sorry about all of that... Im especially sorry for the other night, I knew I should of turned off the webcam when I started crying, but for some reason I didnt, I sorry that I made you watch that, Im sorry that you had to see it so many times. I'm also sorry that I know I must of hurt you before/during the whole affair and Im sorry that now because of all this, Its hard to hang out. Im sorry that you and Maurer have somehow been pited against one another and Im sorry for everything. For crying in front of you, for wasting your gas, your money, and your time. Especially for last night, Im really still sorry for that, I know you have told me not to be and that it somehow made your day, even though I had fallen asleep. I still feel like shit for that because I had okayed you to come over.

You guys are my three best friends and Im sick of feeling like I hurt you guys all the time, Its really not fair. You guys are great and right now I just don't know what to do. Going numb doesnt help, crying doesnt help, thinking about it non-stop doesnt help, and all I want to do is crack my skull open and hope that it realieves the constant pressure, I really just dont know what to do right about now

I'd quote, but that's wall o' text enough.

Ronnie, you haven't dragged me into anything. You're in pain, and being hurt, and I'm sure I speak for all of us when we want to prevent that, at any cost to ourselves. For me, it's worth the pain. I care about you too much to let you sit there and drown, without trying to save you. It'd hurt a lot more. So, no matter the cost, I'm going to be there until you don't need/want me at your side. It's kinda what friends do. Good ones, anyway.

It's not fair? Maybe. Life isn't fair, and I'd rather you talk to me about things that are bothering you, than just bullshit a conversation about something else when you're in pain. That's the opposite of what I want to do. Don't worry so much, kay?

So, let me say this in all seriousness. You think you're dragging us into something we don't want to be in? You're wrong. We want to help. It was our choice. Can't just sit here and let you get pulled in over your head, can we? So, don't worry about us so much. Worry about you, and how you can make this better. We'll still be here, through the tears, through the pain, until we can all feel better, and see your wonderful smile once again.

<3

Marshall wrote:

I'd quote, but that's wall o' text enough.

Ronnie, you haven't dragged me into anything. You're in pain, and being hurt, and I'm sure I speak for all of us when we want to prevent that, at any cost to ourselves. For me, it's worth the pain. I care about you too much to let you sit there and drown, without trying to save you. It'd hurt a lot more. So, no matter the cost, I'm going to be there until you don't need/want me at your side. It's kinda what friends do. Good ones, anyway.

It's not fair? Maybe. Life isn't fair, and I'd rather you talk to me about things that are bothering you, than just bullshit a conversation about something else when you're in pain. That's the opposite of what I want to do. Don't worry so much, kay?

So, let me say this in all seriousness. You think you're dragging us into something we don't want to be in? You're wrong. We want to help. It was our choice. Can't just sit here and let you get pulled in over your head, can we? So, don't worry about us so much. Worry about you, and how you can make this better. We'll still be here, through the tears, through the pain, until we can all feel better, and see your wonderful smile once again.

<3

QFT Marshall, QFT

Yeah, Ronnie, I kinda made the decision awhile ago, and like Marshall said, we want to prevent a lot your pain.... And you're a friend, I'm not gonna go and ditch you because you're crying, I'm gonna try and have it where you stop crying, and you feel better. So yeah, don't think you're causing us any trouble, cause you're not. I'd rather drive to your house, and find out you fell asleep, rather than having to drive to work, and or school, in heartbeat. So yeah, don't be hard on yourself, we accepted a lot of the stuff, so oh well....

i really need to go back to the area, i need to talk with tyler..........i have to end it. gods what was i kidding myself, i knew that this wouldn't work and yet i still held on to him. i would do it now but i am atleast kind enough to do it in person, i just wish it was next weekend already. this week is going to be long and hard...............i gave my razors to a friend though, i just want to do it more now then ever but i don't have them anymore so hopefully i wont. i luckily didn't lose my friend. it was a very emotional, long, and upset talk but i didn't lose him. oddly enough, it brought us closer together. now i feel like i'm getting in to deep with him, but i can't stop it. even after i leave tyler i don't want to rush into anything. i NEED the time alone, otherwise i'll lose what little hold on life and the world i still have.

gods i've just been crying so much lately and i feel like i have no one to go to. i never got to actually tell my aunt goodbye and that i loved her when she was still able to smile and hold me. she cared so much about me and i just couldn't find it in me to go and see her. i really don't want to forget her but i know it will happen some day. i was thinking last night about my cousin and grandma who died of cancer and i can't really remember either of them anymore. i don't want this to happen to my aunt. gods i wish that she was still here. it doesn't seem like it was her. the person who i saw that day was so thin and fraile, it just couldn't have been her. i know it couldn't have been her, but at the same time she isn't here anymore. she will never come camping with us again, or come to anymore of my concerts (she never missed one until this years ice cream social), she won't be at christmas anymore, or thanksgiving, she won't be there to fix my mom's ring, or make the flowers for my wedding, or to even be at my wedding...................her house just seemed so fake when i was there. i hadn't been there in years and it was just so bad. i can't even look at the barbie isle at stores anymore, it makes me start to feel upset just being around them, or to hear elvis. i wish so much that i could hug her one last time and say i'm sorry for never being there. i never got a chance to see her at the hospital all those times, or i never went to her house, or the movies with her, or anything. i actually did as much as i could to not think about it until something happened. everytime something happened i felt like i had other obligations and i didn't go. i just couldn't tell the teachers that i wouldn't be there when i had said i would. gods i wish so much that i had. i should have missed that one night of madrigals, or that one night of pit orchestra. she was more important then both of them and i really wanted to be there for her. i held back tears at both madrigals and pit. heck, i cried my eyes out to marshall before pit, then i sucked it up and went in there and played like every other night. i was just so scared, i didn't know what to say to her or what to do. now it's too late and i miss her so much. i regret so much. i'm so sorry aunt lori i wish i had been there more, i wish i had done something, i wish i could have told you how much i cared and loved you.

i don't know if i can be here. i can't bring myself to tell my room mate or RA about my anxiety or anything and what if i freak out.......i have no where to go. gods i wish i could just go back to the area. i feel so alone here.

well, I know it's no where near the same as to have us there in person, but if you ever need anything from us Kristie, we're always just a phoone call away...

As well, for your aunt lori, if you never want to forget her, you won't, I know this is a corny line and all, but...

You never have to worry about forgetting your aunt lori, you loved her so much, she'll always be with you, in your heart....

(Like I said, CORNY!)

but yeah...

Wow my vent going to be pretty short compared to everyone else but...

I have popcorn in my teeth

there thats my vent. Everything else in my life is going pretty good.'Oh and I'm really craving a strawberries and creme frappiccunio but I dont think thats really a vent

seriously?

I want to fricken gouge my eyes out so bad

Sounds like we need to fit you with one of those cones so that dogs don't chew stitches, and put onto on your head, and one on each hand, so you can't take it off.

...
And then ben and xander will be guarding me while I become temporary unarmed...

But seriously, I do want to gouge my eyes out, they hurt so bad

and blind...

Xander, we could so play basketball!!! All we have to do is tie Ronnie to something, say... a wall, and then grab a lot of paper and shoot hoops!!!

lol. Sounds like a game.

I'll have no part in your creepy bondage ;P
...
Unless we re-enact Bible Black, then call me.

no....

;;headdesk;; so much, face becomes flat....

No, you are not going to cast a spell on me, to make me strip and dance naked, gross man

I should really sprout a penis now...

Dear God, that would make me feel....confused, to say the least.

Chicks with Dicks > Manginas.

lol, if I had a dick, I wouldnt have to worry so much about you guys stripping me, lol

Not the lower half anyway. =O

I'm sure it's an obstacle that can be overcome. >=3

O.o dammit

Bwahaha. Every time I saw you, I could yell "It's a trap!"
and it would be funny every time.

Because you would be one.

Besides, it's not like we're stripping you without your permission.
That'd be sexual harassment.

and that makes me a sad Panda.

WTF?

Who lives in the east 'neath the willow tree
Sexual Harassment Panda!
Who explains sexual harassment to you and me
Sexual Harassment Panda!
Don't say that, don't touch there
Don't be nasty says the silly bear
He's come to tell you what's right and wrong
Sexual Harassment Panda!


Hi boys and girls!

Did you know that when one little panda pulls on another little panda's underwear, that's sexual harassment.

That makes me a saaaaaaad panda.




Sidenote: It's quite interesting how I can feel like shit for days, and one freakin' sentence from someone can make me blush, and smile like a goddamn idiot for an hour or three.
-Le Sigh-

god damn... I was hoping soo much, I would have never had to deal with anything like how I felt about Shoulak.... god dammit... >.< Ah well... I guess...

Marshall, not to sound like a deusch, but how do you deal with this stuff?