Comedians.

I'm bored. And reading Mitch Hedburg jokes.
Feel free to post other things of this subject in this thread.

"If you don't know that a light bulb is a three-way lightbulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it off,and it just gets brighter! That is the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do! So you turn the switch again, it gets brighter once more! I will break you, lightbulb."

"I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I want to buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all."

"I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?". I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!' and then I'll begin to dial. And when I said 'Goodbye', then you can yell 'Cut!'."

"I went to the airport and put my bag in the X-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six months left to hold stuff."

"I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible."

"My manager said, 'Don't use liquor as a crutch!'
I can't use liquor as a crutch because a crutch helps me walk."

"I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket."

"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."

"Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only disease you can be yelled at for having. Damnit Otto, you are an alcoholic! Damnit Otto, you have Lupus! One of those two doesn't sound right."

lmao I like the last one and the picketing one =D you should look up the comedian called dameteri something... I dunno what his last name is... but he sings and plays guitar while telling jokes and hes super good

Demetri Martin.

"When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws. Only catapults."

"I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na’s
are on this thing? ‘Cause I’m like ‘Bana … keep going. Bananana … damn.’"

"I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’"

"The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast."

"Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ballgown."

"About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really
depressed because I was like ‘Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.'"

"A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he’s persuasive. ‘Dude make a left.’ ‘Those are trees…’ ‘Trust me.’"

"If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d probably just start calling out letters."

Yeah, he's a little strange.

well... I still think hes funny =D

Yeah, you're right. He is funny.

Know any other good ones?

o god whats her name damnit

shes hilarious

umm

speaks in a mono-tone...
complains that her father speaks mostly in sounds effects

mmm

I do not know of who Justin speaks, but I have a ton of other comics I like.

A few samples, perhaps.

George Carlin-

"The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

"You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up."

"Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in
the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And
the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you
to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special
place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to
live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money."

"You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans."

Robin Williams-

"Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
"

"Do you think God gets stoned? I think so... look at the platypus."

"God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time."

"Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work!"

"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."

"We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins."

Lewis Black-

"You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company, can't explain, in ONE SENTENCE....what it does....it's illegal."

"Behind me, I heard a young woman of 25 say, "If it weren’t for my
horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college." Now, I'm gonna
repeat that, because it bears repeating. "If it weren't for my
horse..." as in, giddyup, giddyup, let's go — "I wouldn't have spent
that year in college," which is a degree-granting institution. Don't
think about that too long, or BLOOD will shoot out your NOSE!"

"
The Republicans are the party of bad ideas. The Democrats are the party of no ideas."

"Lactose intolerant milk? Kiss my dick! If you're lactose intolerant you
can't drink milk. So what's in the fucking carton? Get it out of there,
get it away from my milk. It is talking to my milk and making it feel
bad about itself.
"

"It was a really special winter wasn't it?... if you're a fucking moose!
If you've got fur on your nuts it's been a fucking festival!"

"I knew it was way too cold this winter because I have not had one
thought. I have NOT been able to complete a sentence in my own head. I
find myself wondering, going; You know, I should really - FUCK IT'S
COLD!" (On Minnesota Winters)

"If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles
grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself.
That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health
club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for
a little chat."

For now, I'll stop.