Arc Rise Fantasia: What the what now? [Spoilers!]

Ok everyone, I'm coming back to this forum solely to write about my playthough of the bread Arc Rise Fantasia for the Wii. Why would I do that, you ask? Because the story for this bread is so incredibly derp, that just when I think it can't get better, it herps! The palm of my hand has made rapid acquaintance with my hand several times so far, and after ~3 hours of the bread, I've decided that I need to catalogue this somehow, or I'm going to forget how bad this really is.

Maybe if we're lucky, you can all either laugh with or at me, and generally have a good time...but probably not, who am I kidding?

This'll be mostly text-based, but I'll see about getting some generic pictures in here once I get this going, and decide it's worth continuing. So let's get started!

Chapter the First: Wherein I wonder if this bread actually uses Chapters...

Ok, so we open on a cutscene of our hero, L'arc (pronounced more or less Lark) standing in the middle of a bunch of heavily armored knights flying around in an airship. Naturally, because he's the hero, he gets to wear bright red cloth while everyone else is in deep blue armor. Naturally. As it turns out, you're up there hunting down Felldragons, who apparently are attacking in packs...

So a Felldragon (see also: Wyvern) lands on the deck of the ship that you're flying on, and naturally, you get to fight it alone, despite being surrounded by over two dozen capable soldiers. Hurray! So you stabby the thing, but oh noes, your sword gets stuck in it!

As the stabbed dragon falls backwards, you fall down with him...Just kidding. You let go of your sword like a sensible person. Wow, didn't expect that from an RPG now didja? But of course, plot devices being what they are, another Felldragon pushes you off after the dragon with your sword in it. Cutscene time!

You're falling through a dark sky. You're falling several hundred feet straight down. You perform a graceful swam dive to reduce air resistance and catch up to the falling Felldragon. You grab your sword, pull it out, and leap off the dragon just before you hit the ground, allowing you to land safely, but the danger isn't gone yet, for the fell---


WAIT A MINUTE! Wait one F***ing minute! You just fell hundreds if not thousands of feet, and you think that the laws of physics are such that you can just "jump off" and NOT DIE!? Ok, sure, why not? Whatever, it's a video bread. Physical Laws don't apply here. Continuing:

The Felldragon beings to glow red, about it explode in a fiery living bomb and---

Wait wait wait wait...wait...these things explode on death in a fiery inferno. WHY are you trying to stab them to death ON THE DECK OF AN AIRSHIP? That'd blow a hole right through your hull! Oh, wait. Magic. Right. I'm sure the deck is fireproof. I'll give the bread that one. Moving on!

A singing girl walks into the glade, and strange, magical-looking rain begins to fall around the area.

This girl is, of course, wearing a dress that falls juuust below the wasteline. Again, RPG. I digress.

The felldragon stops glowing, and softly dissolves into non-existance. Thus, the girl saves your life.

At this point I'm thinking myself: "And here we meet main character number two, probably our Love Interest." Which, as it turns out, is more or less true (see my rant later). But it turns out that she's completely clueless.

...about everything. She constantly asks after the meaning of basic English words, etc. Up until now, everything had been going alright. I was actually looking forward to the bread. Even now, things were still looking up. And then the plots holes. SAVE ME FROM THE PLOT HOLES!

The hero asks her who she is, and she tells you her name is Ryfia, and that she's a Diva (well, obviously -ba dum, tsh!-). Which actually means that she's a high-ranking religious leader in her country who uses "Hymns" to work powerful magic, hence, the singing. This is super cool, right? A---nope. Guess that "The Empire" (your land) is actually at war with "The Republic" (her land). Feel free to insert Star Wars reference here.

Well, Jolly good, we've found a high-ranking, magic-using member of the clergy from a country that we are at war with. But it's ok, because she totally just saved our life, so we need to at least get her to town. Enter Prince Alf, your childhood friend (because there's absolutely no other RPGs that do that). Practically the first question out of his mouth: who is she, and why is she with you (keep in mind, he's also clearly lovestruck and blushing). Her response? "I'm Ryfia, and I'm a Diva!"

Face. Palm. I did mention that those two countries are at war, right? And I did mention that Ryfia and L'arc just covered this thirty seconds ago right? Did I also mention that Ryfia knew that she was talking to the Prince of the Empire? No? Well, she did. Oh well, I guess this slip is going to get us into a lot of trouble:

Prince Alf: "And what are you doing in the Empire?"
Ryfia: "My mother told me to go to Jada."
L'arc: "I'm not taking a member of the Republic to Jada. That's our Empire's one source of Ray (magical energy. The thing what that runs all things. See also: mana)."

Hurray! We're not all complete idiots!

Prince Alf: "L'arc, where are your manners? We can't let her wander around by herself..."

Damn right we can't! She's a dangerous enemy to the Empire!

Prince Alf: "it's dangerous out there. We'll escort you to Jada, Ryfia."

What the WHAT!? What!? The Prince of the Empire not only allowing a known, high-ranked, spell-wielding member of the Republic, with which his country is at war, to roam free, he is giving her an escort to the Empire's only source of Ray!? @W#$T%$T#$%#@%()#%@#Q%()&^(#!!)A#@*

I ended my play session thinking "this had damn well better be an elaborate deception by the Prince or I'm going to kill something."

More to come soon