Because I'm sure everyone is wondering...

In b4 TL;DR: read it anyway.

Or at least the people who saw my relationship status change on facebook are.

Two nights ago Brentt and I got in an argument, over absolutely nothing. It was stupid really, and as per usual entirely my fault. And again, as per usual, I ended up in a hysterical crying mess.

By the next day (yesterday) I was feeling much better, and was over the fight before. I usually get over them pretty quickly. So I tried calling Brentt before he headed out to work to apologize and tell him I love him but I didnt get an answer. I figured he was probably still mad and didn't want to talk before he worked. No biggie. Throughout the day I texted him randomly, as I normally do. Just trying to make conversation. No responses to those, either. All day.

So the second I got home from work I ran to my room and called him. I was really worried about him, he never ignored me like that. Even when he was mad. But he didnt answer that phonecall either.Then I got on facebook, and saw I had a new message.

I knew what was coming before I read it.

He basically went on about how the woman he fell in love with was someone much stronger, and much more independent. That he would never stop loving her. But he was starting to think that the only way for me to go back to the way I used to be was for him to be out of my life.

And he's right. At least about the first part. I am not who I used to be and I hate it. I feel like a complete emotional wreck. I swear, sometimes I could start crying just from someone looking at me the wrong way. I feel completely broken and useless.

My life has fallen apart around me, I suppose. I'm 21 years old, living at home. I'm not in school anymore. I've tried to get back into school the last two quarters, but both times my attempts blew up in my face. I feel like my life is going nowhere fast, and I'll be old by the time I'm finally out of school. I've also lost contact with pretty much everyone I care about. That means you guys. I went from feeling like I had all the friends I could ever need, the greatest friends in the world... to completely friendless. These forums are the only form of contact I have with you guys, and I dont even remember the last time I've spoken to Shell.

And that kills me.

Its been killing me. All of it, just eating away at me. Leaving me the sobbing, weak mess I am now.

But I digress.

A mutual friend spoke to Brentt to me, and asked him to call me for a short conversation. And thank the gods, he agreed. And when I heard his voice I think my heart broke all over again. The poor guy seems more hurt by what he did than I do. He kept calling me "hun", still kept telling me he loved me and that he always would.

So I told him that I'd fix myself. For him, and for me. I had figured I could handle my new-found emotional issues on my own for so long, but I guess I've proven that I cant. So I'm going to find some therapy. I found a place downtown that does free walk-in councling. I think it'll be good for me. I really, really do.

He wont take me back yet, but thats understandable. But a bit of time, it can happen.

No. It will happen. I wont let it not be. I'm going to do whatever I can. The situation can definitely be salvaged, and thats what both him and I want. I just need to take some time to think about myself first. He needs some time to himself as well.

We're keeping in touch, we'll see eachother on rare occasions. Its awkward for both of us though, because neither of us knows how to act. Its so hard to hold back the things I want to say.

I mean, who breaks up... but then that same night sits there wishing eachother sweet dreams and saying "I love you" before we head off to bed. I think we're doing this break up thing very wrong. lol.

But anyway, please, dont say you're sorry for him and I breaking up. It makes this break up feel far to permanant for my tastes.


Also: wall-o-text

wow, intense shit

very serious thread....

to lighten this mood i now post kittens



tell us how counseling goes, and if they ask you to do anything totally expected from said counselor

IE what does this ink blob of brad pitt look like?

Wow, if you need to talk give me a call some time, I know we haven't been close but I still love you!

Here's hoping things turn out well.

Just remember one day at a time...

Therapy isn't the social stigma most people think it is. If you find a good doctor you trust, get on some good meds, you'll be all set.

Clifford wrote:

Therapy isn't the social stigma most people think it is. If you find a good doctor you trust, get on some good meds, you'll be all set.

Implying medication is necessary.

*shrugs* It worked for me. I used to have crazy anxiety problems. Like if someone poked me I'd start freaking out. Now I'm funtioning relatively normal, assuming there is an actual precise definition for a normal person.

Clifford wrote:

Therapy isn't the social stigma most people think it is. If you find a good doctor you trust, get on some good meds, you'll be all set.

I dont think I need meds. I really dont think anything is clinically wrong with me. My life has just been falling apart and its been hitting me hard. I've lost sight of who I was, and I've begun to feel hopeless.

I just need to work through my emotions and get myself back in line.

Amanda just needs to remember the beast inside her that we all know and love her for. That hardcore BA that judges debate and speech and doesn't afraid of anything. To remember that she's a gigantic faggot just like the rest of us.

I think it's the distance Amanda, You need your fellow faggots in your life more, So eat some raw meat, punch a bear in the face, and come hang out more!

<--Amanda in her true form

Amanderson wrote:

Clifford wrote:

Therapy isn't the social stigma most people think it is. If you find a good doctor you trust, get on some good meds, you'll be all set.

I dont think I need meds. I really dont think anything is clinically wrong with me. My life has just been falling apart and its been hitting me hard. I've lost sight of who I was, and I've begun to feel hopeless.

I just need to work through my emotions and get myself back in line.

lol I really didn't mean it the way it sounded. I just felt a lot like that and That's what helped me get back on track. Good ole' Pristiq.

Hard Gay wrote:

Amanda just needs to remember the beast inside her that we all know and love her for. That hardcore BA that judges debate and speech and doesn't afraid of anything. To remember that she's a gigantic faggot just like the rest of us.

I think it's the distance Amanda, You need your fellow faggots in your life more, So eat some raw meat, punch a bear in the face, and come hang out more!

<--Amanda in her true form

You have no idea how much better this made me feel. I really do want to come hang out sometime. I miss all of you so, so, so much.

I went to that counseling place tonight, and disappointingly there were no ink blots. So Justin, I have no clue what kind Brad Pit looks like. :(

The therapist told me that what she thinks is happening with me is that I had such a rough life for years after my mom died and ended up living with my psycho aunt and all, and all the moving around and hard times i was going through, that after finally having so much stability while living up in st francis, that now that things are not going so well i'm just having trouble coping with having so many problems again.

And that makes SO much sense to me. I feel so much better already just knowing that.

I think things are going to start to be ok again from here on out.

Sounds like we may get back to getting stranded in Arbor Lakes in no time.

hahahaha, oh god. Good times.

This time i'll be sure to wear shoes that DONT have holes in the bottoms of them.

Hard Gay wrote:

<--Amanda in her true form

lol i knew this smiley would get used some day

Well, Brentt and I are officially never getting back together. Because he's too afraid that things will go back to how they were, and he's too weak to deal with his fear.

Its sad, really. He's going to lose so much in life that way.

That's too bad, You're a great lady Amanda. One of the strongest and smartest I know. He just couldn't handle the beastliness you have to offer and it's his loss.

but hey, something that's not lamesauce, In just over a week we'll all be partying hardy and eating whatever amazing party food The Amanderson will have prepared.

interesting,

what does that mean in your wow life then amanda?

Justin you're such an addict. =P

Sorry to hear that Manders, if you lived closer, I would so come over and we could watch chick flicks and bash guys and eat cookie dough.

Or just make Mac and Cheese and blame it all on Pakistan.

=D

what? its a legitimate question

and besides xander gear score is the only thing that matters in wow

Xander wrote:

Justin you're such an addict. =P

Sorry to hear that Manders, if you lived closer, I would so come over and we could watch chick flicks and bash guys and eat cookie dough.

Or just make Mac and Cheese and blame it all on Pakistan.

=D

You forgot the 3 packs of mnt. dew.

Hahaha, oh god, I love you guys. Fucking Pakistan. :)

@Justin: I still am playing WoW and whatnot, I mean, Brentt and I dont hate each other or anything. I still get along with him and the people in the guild. Though I am once again giving some thought to transfering my DK over to Gorefiend, and faction change her. I dont think I could bring myself to take my warlock off of Spinebreaker just yet. Especially since it costs FIFTY FIVE goddamn dollars to server and faction change. Ugh. lol.

We won't talk about how much my paladin's "vacation" cost me >.<

hahahaha, yeah, i bet. ouch.