Poetry?

Subject: Poetry? 14/01/10, 04:35 pm

You guys are the kind of people who could appreciate some good old fashion creative writing, right? I've been looking for some unbiased people to critique my work.

Subject: Re: Poetry? 14/01/10, 07:14 pm

unleash the poetry

if i could i would major in poetry :D

Subject: Re: Poetry? 14/01/10, 08:06 pm

Hills of Rome
By Shaun Clifford

I stand on my hill, one of seven,
My feet planted firmly,
My flag waving high,
There is no question that I am its king.

After years of struggle, decades of work, centuries of biding time,
I have conquered my hill,
A domain to call my own at last,
And yet—

To the East I see another hill,
Its monarch on his throne,
And past that five more,
The emperors and chieftains and lords reigning.

I see these hills.
I want these hills.
I crave these hills.
I need these hills.

I look at my own hill, my pile of dirt and grass and rock,
That I worked for, sweated blood for,
Wasn’t it a year ago I’d do anything to just have this hill
For my own?

I look at the others,
The kings and emperors and chieftains and lords,
And see them eying each other’s hills
And my own.

Tonight, on each of our hills,
We will all sharpen our sticks, collect our stones,
Call our men and mounts and mutts,
And at daybreak, the battles begin.

Subject: Re: Poetry? 14/01/10, 09:13 pm

fantastic poetry!

though i believe the last line needs to be altered slightly

the battle begin makes it seem to stop suddenly, whereas poetry is supposed to flow from beginning to end

Subject: Re: Poetry? 14/01/10, 09:29 pm

I'm not usually one to enjoy poetry...
But I really did like that poem.

I agree that the wording of the last line seems to stop, but personally I think that works well in this situation.

Subject: Re: Poetry? 14/01/10, 09:54 pm

Justin wrote:: fantastic poetry!

though i believe the last line needs to be altered slightly

the battle begin makes it seem to stop suddenly, whereas poetry is supposed to flow from beginning to end

I was going for something that left the reader wanting more. And the alliteration (men and mounts and mutts; daybreaks, the battles begin) leaves an impression on the reader.

Subject: Re: Poetry? 15/01/10, 08:49 am

i spose

it did work

AND IT INFURIATED ME ONCE I SAW WHAT YOU DID THAR

Subject: Re: Poetry? 15/01/10, 04:49 pm

Brainstorm

By Shaun Clifford

Crash! Boom!
Ideas blow about like shingles in a tornado,
Pulled off a house some miles away,
They blur together in the funnel.

Lighting flashes! Wind roars!
Ideas drop from the sky,
Pennies and nuts and flags falling like rain,
Hitting the puddles of iced coffee on the ground and dispersing in drops.

Crack! Woosh!
An idea like a squirrel runs to me,
As though I can keep it safe,
Before being carried off by a gale.

Howling! A snap!
Trees filled with idea leaves
Are uprooted in the gust,
Leaving me behind.

Bang! Zap!
An idea strikes near me lightening fast,
Too fast for me to grab,
As I stand beside a thoughtless cinder block.

Boom! Swoosh!
Standing atop my block,
I grasp at a sheet of paper
That blows my way.

The sky brightens. Birds chirp.
The storm stops as I take hold of the paper.
I look at it and smile as I notice
It’s a picture of a raincloud.

Subject: Re: Poetry? 17/01/10, 11:19 pm

again fantastic poetry!

Subject: Re: Poetry? 27/02/10, 10:11 pm

i really really really liked the first one. unlike the other two, i loved how it ended. i feel like what you described is so typical of humanity. we fight to just have something that proves we've risen, but we are never satisfied and willing to kill for something we don't need. love it.

for some reason the second one just didn't really appeal to me as much. it was a really good metaphor, but maybe it was part of the flow. it seemed more jumpy. maybe i'll post some of mine later for you to critic ^.^